Sunday, 18 March 2012

Sex etiquette. The do and do nots of coitus.

So you bagged yourself a lady (or guy, but I'm not here to be PC...), well now best us discuss what you should and should NOT do.

Initiate warp, number one. ENGAGE!

Ok, so I'm making a note here, huge success. She got past all of your geeky-ness, she is on your couch and has survived your geek toys strewn around the lounge room, your light sabre wall lamps and storm trooper armour hanging on the mannequin. You have been making out, you used my suggestion on tummy to boob (I call that move the sneaky tummy to boob, it works), she was started feeling your wookie, it's time to suggest you retreat to your comic filled lair, your Bat Cave, your secret hide out. NICE!! FIST BUMP!!!

Ok, so you start peeling off layers of clothing like a snake shedding skin, it's hot, it's very hot, passion is like fire, burning with the power of a thousand suns in the palm of your hand.

Then it happens.....
You need to PEE.
ALWAYS go for a toilet run first, especially after the amount of rum and coke you just consumed with her so that you could act like a human being, instead of a hot mess of geeky aspergerish creepy "I like to watch you through your window at night undressing whilst I pleasure myself" nerves.

She isn't some replicant, having to excuse yourself during that moment is like a slow, PAINFUL death. the mood, it is gone. it withered and died while she took care of "business" while you were taking care of "other business" , EPIC FAIL.

Warp two, ENGAGE!

Naked, like being released from a cryonic chamber, you both move towards the bed. It's hot, the fan is on, you're quivering with excitement, her lips are quivering, NOW IS THE TIME!!!

And then........
You realise you have no protection, none, no shields to protect her from a photon torpedo, that plasma cannon is going to shoot straight and true.....You're screwed, but not the kind of screwed you wanted to be.


So, as you do not own a replacator device, maybe you should have thought ahead and bought the following.
1 box of tissues (you may need these if she splits and you cry)
1 box of condoms (have 3 in your bed side table, put the rest in the other side table, wouldn't want her to think you're a slut)
1 lot of bacon, eggs, hash browns, mushrooms and tomatoes (so she can make you breakfast in the morning as per  BE PLAYFUL)

Coffee, none of that cheap ass instant crap, either.


So, you're all in now...No pun intended.
answer your mobile phone, just DON'T. Nothing says "I would rather talk to my mate than pleasure you" like "Steve!Hey man! nah not busy, just in the middle of something..." If she does not SLAP YOU, I WILL....

"Oooooo, Star Trek TNG is on!!" Really? DUDE, RECORD IT. Don't roll off half way through to watch it, unless she cheated on you...In that case, go ahead.

"Hey, do you mind if we do it while my blow up doll of Princess Leia is in the bed?" Is NOT acceptable.
Ok, if you have one, you better give it to me.....I will take care of her, real GOOD care.

AHEM.....Ok, I forgot where I'm up to, so I might go and watch Carrie Fi....Uhhhh some star wars. YUP YUP.



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