Wednesday, 21 March 2012

Everyday I'm shufflin, they hatin.

Have you ever imagined a zombie apocalypse?

Zombies EVERYWHERE, as far as the eye can see. I think, however, Hollywood have it all wrong.

In the movies, you see decaying corpse born, shuffling around, saying “grrr argh”, but reality has a much less sensational feeling.

The newly infected seem to change pretty quick and decay just as fast, well keep reading because I have a huge warning for you.......

“I don’t care if Monday’s blue”

Oh The Cure “Friday I’m in love”, what a gorgeous song to set the perfect Monday backdrop for a zombie apocalypse.

It’s Monday, it’s raining but not heavy enough for umbrellas. The sky is grey and the mood is the same.

You are walking through the city at 8:30am, and all the office execs and till monkeys are off to work. The mood, again, is grey.

There it is, all around you, hell on earth, they be shufflin.
You see it every day, but especially on a Monday, the working class zombies are EVERWHERE, there is NO escape.

The main types of zombie walkers:

Perhaps the most annoying of all, this slow shuffler shuffles like someone condemned to death and is seemingly void of all emotion.

You would assume that they would be dead if it were not for the suffle off to a place of business in that crisp business suit and immaculate hair.

Sometimes, just sometimes you will see them shuffle into a small cafĂ© for a morning coffee, please note that even though they have acquired caffeine, they will still be “a shufflin”.

Just like the supposed Noah’s Ark, these travel two by two and in doing so take up the ENTIRE footpath.

There is no going around them, they shuffle in such a way that you are doomed to be trapped shuffling along behind them until they either turn into a premises somewhere, or get to some lights, where you can easily dash out on the road a little and buzz past them at top speed.

Blockers are generally the most frustrating and will usually give you the zombie stink eye when you over take them, sort of like this >.< but a little more disgusted looking.

Generally the blocker is wearing a suit and thinks that due to this, they are better than you, much like Chris Jericho (Y2J).

Are you on the left or the right? STAY ON ONE SIDE, DAMN YOU!!

The swayer shuffles left to right, kind of like Formula One on the old Atari 2600, they just don’t want to let you pass. They don’t even know they’re doing it, they just do.
You just have to look for your opening to flash past them and out of danger.

Dangerous, much more dangerous than any other shuffler. They usually only come out on rainy days with an umbrella held low, right at eye level.
They refuse to collapse the umbrella under cover and they never look to see who is around them, usually poking the boned wings of the zombiebrella into an unsuspecting victims eye or forehead.
Also, not unlike the blocker, these zombies tend to gang up, block the path, walk slow AND get you wet because you get stuck behind them.

Why would this shuffler be polite? Why would they mind their surroundings and choose the best opportunity to walk around you, when they can just shuffle into you and push through?
There is no avoiding this shuffler, no matter where you are, no matter what you do, the pusher will push you.

Like watching a deer caught in the headlights, a baby with an expensive toy discarded for the box it came in, or me with no coffee in my system seeing a coin on the ground, suddenly for NO reason at all this one stops dead cold.

Like it has picked up the scent of fresh meat, it just stops. I would like to write a further more descriptive description, but there isn’t one, science is unable to explain why they do it, they just do.

That’s it for this week folks, just remember: Mind your surroundings, THEY ARE EVERYWHERE!!
Also, no matter how much Monday shufflers LOOK like zombies, don’t kill them, K?

P.S. someone should make a zombie shufflin game based on this called : Everyday I'm shufflin, zombies hatin.....