Saturday, 3 March 2012

Al's Geek Dating Tips 2!

  1. Don't think that you can only find women to date when you're out at a party, a your mates funeral or at the bar. They're on the street, in a lingerie store where you watch them through a glory hole, in class, on the internet pretending they aren't a freaky guy named "George" and everywhere you go. Just go out into the world and pay for attention. 
  2. Start by flirting with her a bit. "Hey there sexy, I can see your G-String" can work WONDERS, also "I think you and me should dance....SIDEWAYS!!" (see the first instalment of Geek Dating Advice)
  3. Start by using what's called a "neutral-opinion opener." What that means is you ask her a question about something that has nothing to do with you. It can be simple ("What do you think of the local nondescript sporting team of generic origin?") or elaborate ("Did you see the last episode of Doctor Who? That chick that plays Rose was wearing the TIGHTEST fucking pants!!") but it really doesn't matter what you say.....You're dooooooomed!!!
  4. Try to remain calm. Girls may be hit on almost every day, and they know why you came up to talk to them, because you never get laid and they do....roofies can be your friend unless you slip them into your own drink. If you want to be legal about it, check out these rules:
    • Are you confident?
    • Are you staring at her rack?
    • Is you hand down your pants scratching your balls?
    • Are you still staring at her rack?
    • Do your best to appear comfortable, and she'll feel comfortable too. Being calm, cool, and in control is an advantage. Being a drunken wanktard may work too (beware the morning after face).
    • Are you still staring at her rack?
  5. Do something original. A really pretty girl has people telling her all the time how hot she is, how cute she is, how nice she is, how awesome her rack is, how in those pants you can see camel toe, how her ass makes you want to rush off to the toilet and bat one off, and she's gotten used to empty compliments. If you become the next guy to come up and tell her how pretty she is, she'll appreciate the compliment, but she won't find you attractive. Remain calm and casual. Make a little joke at her expense. For instance, you could say something like "Wow, that's a big purse! Do you have a vibrator in there?" or if she's dressed up "I like your shoes...they look really comfortable LET ME TOUCH YOUR FEET!".
  6. Be yourself. If you've ever asked a girl what to do to meet a girl, she'll probably say "just be yourself." You may think that means that if you feel nervous, and that you want to tell her again how pretty she is (for the 40th time) that you should, but that's NOT what she means. She means "hump me now, make sweet love to my vagina you idiot!". If you're at the bar, and she asks you to get her a napkin, she's probably just asking because your studliness made her so wet and horny, she needs to soak it up a little. Don't do it! You will need that wetness for later when you take off your Batman shirt and she realises the muscles were on the shirt.....not you...
  7. Keep up the banter. Once you're talking, keep it up. You may want to talk about some stories about you that are funny or interesting, or talk about that porn you saw recently with the fluffy handcuffs and chains, bitches LOVE porn. 
  8. Ask for her number. After a few minutes, if you're having a good time, cut things off on a high note, and ask for her number. Say that you want to call her and breathe heavy, but you need to get back to your friends (or whatever else you were about to do before you started talking to her, such as crying in to your cocktail). If she says she doesn't want to give you her number, you can joke with her and say that you promise to only call her 50 times a day and masturbate outside her window every second night, but that's all.

  9. Text her as you're leaving the venue, then call her the next day. If she does not respond, she is probably screwing that big muscular guy you saw her talking to as you left....You know, the one who threatened to beat the shit out of you for hitting on his girlfriend, DON'T LET IT DISSUADE YOU!
  10. Give her a nickname. If you call her "boo boo kitty fuck" at the bar, then when you call her you can say "Hey, boo boo kitty fuck... it's me." instead of "Umm, this is (your name). We met at the bar the other night and you gave me a major woody....."
  11. If it seems like you're being too needy, you probably are. You don't have to text a picture of your penis or call her every day, especially in the beginning. It's safe to take a step back and continue stalking her....Later on BARRAGE HER WITH ALL THE ATTENTION! Then give her my number.
No need to thank me, The Professor is HAPPY to help.

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